The comfortable dinner proceeding screeched to an abrupt halt at the startling announcement. Heads previously bent over the table snapped to attention. Astonished eyes clashed across the table. Concern echoed deep in every heart. Fear saturated their souls. Panic clawed at their throats and anxiety settled like a weight in their stomachs. The words were too ugly to be untrue. There was a traitor among them.
As the first blush of stupefaction began to fade, questions arose. Who could it be? Who among them would engage in such a nefarious act? Perhaps the men they once had been would be tempted to this extent, but they weren’t those men anymore. They had each come so far since Jesus unceremoniously called them to leave everything and follow Him. Having eagerly done so, they had never regretted the choice. Not because it had been easy to leave their lives behind. Not because following Jesus was comfortable. There was no social prestige or physical prosperity involved in the following. Yet still they followed. By choice. Their hearts wanted nothing less than to spend each day in the absolute presence of Christ.
Or so they thought. Apparently, one of them had no such desire. Someone with whom they had spent day and night, someone they trusted, someone who had access to the information of their inner circle was not a friend, but a foe. One of them wasn’t relishing the time they spent with Jesus, they were carefully calculating their steps, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to betray Him. But who would do that? Who wasn’t all in? Who had watched the miracles, listened to the preaching, heard the teaching, and still wasn’t committed to Jesus? Who was the poser in their company? Who was the snake in their garden? (John 13:21-22)
As Jesus’ statement fell into the room, plunging it into momentary silence, each man seated there must surely have had a thousand questions. Narrowed gazes searched the faces opposite them, seeking to determine the defector’s identity. Was it Peter? He was always impetuous and impulsive. An ill-advised decision from him would come as no surprise. Maybe it was John. He’d managed to get quite close with Jesus. Even now he was close enough to lean back and speak in Jesus’ ear. Of course, it could be any of the rest of them, too. Andrew. James. Philip. Me. It could also be me. What if I’m the one? (Matthew 14:24-30; Mark 9:2-6; Matthew 26:31-35; John 13:23)
The jarring realization must surely have caused each man to immediately embark on a personal inventory check. A quick, yet thorough soul search. A test of their absolute commitment to Jesus. A measure of their devotion. An evaluation of their internal fortitude should the pressure to betray Him become too much. Even as they peeled back the layers to peer in scrutiny at their own souls, their voices echoed around the table in frenzied asking, “Is it I? Am I the one whose heart is divided? Am I the one who isn’t all in? Am I the one who is weak and unstable? Am I the one whose attachment to popularity, power, prosperity, or prestige is greater than my love for Jesus? Someone is going to betray our Lord. Jesus, is it me?!” (Matthew 26:20-22; Mark 14:19-20, John 13:22-25)
Even after being assured Judas was the one whose hand itched to hold the coins of betrayal, it seems their self-examination would continue. There was little difference between them and Judas. He had been one of them. Handpicked by Jesus. Designated purse holder. Trusted friend. Now obvious backstabber. He’d duped them. His duplicity was shattering. As they watched, Judas, in utter abandonment of the people who had been his friends and colleagues, popped the proffered piece of bread in his mouth and walked away. No rebuttal. No explanation. No apology. Judas blatantly, publicly, chose friendship with the world and enmity with God. Shaking their heads in amazement at his treachery, the remaining eleven would be left to ponder their own hearts, weigh their own souls, examine themselves to see if anything resided within that would cause them to do the same. It is imperative we do likewise. (John 13:26-27)
In a moment of absolute transparency illuminated by the light of eternity, we, too, must examine ourselves. Old believers. New believers. Every believer. We must regularly examine ourselves. Check the corners of our souls. Search out every speck of anger or bitterness. Clean out every mite of selfishness or arrogance. Eradicate every particle of self-righteous judgment against our neighbor. We need to clean house. Regularly. Because just one minute spot of sin can fester and grow, causing us trouble. Causing us to hold back when we should be all in. Causing us to leave when we should stay. Causing us to betray our Lord because our hearts are divided. (II Corinthians 13:5)
Judas had the same problem. A divided heart. There’s really nothing to indicate he hated Jesus. Nothing tells us he spent his years following Jesus laying the groundwork for his scheme. But it does tell us that Judas’ loved money. He had a little side gig of helping himself to the group coffers. It was clearly working for him. No one ever seems to question it. No one calls him out. No one asks for an audit or suggests a new bank manager. By all appearances, he could have spent several years skimming the accounts and suffered no consequences. Yet Judas’ love of money was the weakness the evil one needed to draw him away. It was the hook he needed to coerce Judas into risking anything and losing everything. There was no one to blame but himself as his love for something other than God caused him to take the final, detrimental step, annihilating his opportunity for a glorious eternity. (John 12:3-6)
We shake our heads in wonder at it. Roll our eyes in disgust at his defection. Gather our self-righteous robes around us in a non-verbal declaration that we would never stoop to such lows. Until we do. Until we opt for silence when we should speak up. Until we choose to hide when we should step out. Until we determine that earthly approval is worth more than the approval of Heaven. Until we find there is something we desire more than we desire God.
Perhaps you have never been in that situation. Perhaps your heart is true and devoted and perfect. Perhaps you are never hesitant to speak up, speak out. I am. Sometimes I am hesitant to call people to prayer. Sometimes I am concerned about what folks will think when I mention Jesus. Sometimes I spend hours wondering, worrying whether what I said or did that spoke of spiritual things was accepted or rejected. Sometimes I hold back, sit still, stay silent. So I’m examining myself. Examining my soul to see what makes me hesitate. Is it natural to my introverted personality or is it a stunt in my spiritual maturity? Is there something there, something festering, something growing that could cause me to betray my Jesus?
Maybe you are down here in the trenches too. Maybe you find hesitancy in your soul that pricks your conscience. Hesitancy to speak up for Jesus. Hesitancy to obey His voice. Hesitancy to lay aside the things of the world and cling solely to Him. It’s time to do some soul-searching. Time to do some honest self-evaluation. Time to scrutinize your heart and see where your true allegiance lies. Are you wholly aligned with Jesus Christ or is there a piece of your heart that rests elsewhere? If Jesus were to make the statement today that He made then, would your heart rest in the knowledge of your abject devotion to Him or is there something that would cause you to ask, “Is it I?” (Lamentations 3:40; Matthew 12:22-28; Matthew 6:24; I Kings 18:21; Galatians 1:10; Acts 4:29)