Regret coursed through him as he held his unnaturally chilled hands over the warmth of the open fire. His heart was troubled. His soul was anxious. His mind was racing. It had been a long day. Not that it hadn’t started out well. It had. Celebrating Passover with Jesus was always a memorable time. The resting. The eating. The talking. Every year was indelibly etched in Peter’s brain. This year was shaping up to be the most memorable. Not in a good way. Statements had been made. Questions had been asked. Answers had been minimal. A heavy sense of foreboding pervaded the atmosphere. Things were changing. He knew it. Tried to digest it, even as the evening’s events played on repeat in his head.
Into the quiet air of their friendly dinner, Jesus dropped a bombshell. Hands stopped midway to mouths. Jaws dropped. Sentences broke with unfinished thoughts. Astonished eyes clashed over the table. One of the Twelve was going to betray Him. One of them. Someone at their table. Someone they trusted. Someone they loved. Someone who claimed they loved Jesus. The plan was already set in motion. Things were already underway. Someone there would hand Him over, deliver Him directly into the hands of those who wanted Him dead. Someone among them was a traitor, and everyone wanted to know who.
Suspiciously glancing around the table, the disciples began to silently question who it could be. Was it Andrew? Thomas? Matthew? Had anyone been acting strangely lately? Spending more time away from the others with no explanation for their whereabouts? Had they seen anyone talking to the Pharisees more? Hanging out with the chief priests? Getting lunch with the elders? When nothing specific came to mind, their scrutiny turned inward. Was it them? Was there something in their own hearts that would turn them away from Jesus? Did they love something else more? Social safety? Personal popularity? Financial prosperity? And how could they know if it was them or someone else?
Jesus nebulous answer to their question didn’t help solidify the answer. There were twelve of them sitting with Him at the table. They were sharing a meal. Family style. Everyone was dipping out of the same bowls. Many of them had or would dip their hand into the bowl with Jesus. It wasn’t until Judas spoke up to ask if it was him that their attention snagged. Something about the quality of his voice shocked them. It was laced with sarcasm. As if he knew the answer before asking the question. Yet it was Jesus answer that silenced the lot and delivered the shocking blow. “You said it.” The final eleven watched in gobsmacked silence as Judas pushed back his chair with a smirk and made his swaggering exit. (Matthew 26:17-25; Luke 22:21-23; Mark 14:17-20)
Tension covered the room for the rest of the meal. They followed Jesus’ lead, ate what He gave them, drank from the offered cup, but, under the circumstances, they couldn’t really process it. The hymn at the end of dinner was a quiet event. Each man too deeply lost in thought to give himself fully to the experience. Jesus saw their distraction. He knew the disbelief and questions flooding their minds. He knew they were still piecing together what had just occurred. But he had something else to tell them. Something else that would shock them even more deeply. They were all going to leave Him. They would all fall away. Not one would stay to support Him, plead His cause, testify on His behalf. No matter what they believed about their devotion to Him, Jesus knew He would stand alone, suffer alone, die alone. (Matthew 26:26-32; Mark 14:22-26)
Righteous indignation covered their faces at His declaration. They most certainly would not leave Him! Not now. Not ever. Not one of them. The very thought was ridiculous. Highly upsetting. Deeply insulting. For Jesus to put them on the same level as that traitor, Judas, turned their stomachs and put their backs up. All of them. Especially Peter. He was adamant. There would never be a time when He fell away from following Jesus. He’d go with Him anywhere. Even to death. He would never deny His Lord. Never. He was crushed to hear Jesus say it would happen. Refused to believe he would purposely deny His Lord. He knew himself. He would never fall away. He would never leave Jesus. He would never run, hide, or deny. Maybe the others would fall prey to fear and run to hide or be quick to deny, but Peter knew he would never betray his faith in Jesus.
Walking along beside James and John, Peter followed Jesus deeper into the Garden of Gethsemane. Irritation chaffed Peter’s spirit with every. His mouth was closed, but his mind fumed. He found it difficult to calm down after such a drastic affront. Reaching a quiet, peaceful place, Jesus instructed them to wait for Him there, but not to sleep. They were to stay awake and wait for His return. Peter intended to do so. With the way his mind was reeling over the events of the last several hours and the proclamation of things to come, it was unlikely the havoc in his head would let him rest. Slumping down at the base of a tree to wait, he mentally sifted through all the surprises he’d gotten that day. Little by little, his traitorous body gave in to the physical exhaustion that often accompanies great emotion. He lost the battle he planned to win against sleep. It would have been better if he had stayed awake. (Matthew 26:26-38; Luke 22:31-34; Mark 14:17-31)
If Peter had stayed awake while Jesus went further into the Garden, he might have heard the heart of Jesus being poured out to His Father. He could have heard the cries of grief and distress. He would have felt the agony as Jesus pled with the Father, with whom all things are possible, to change the course of events rapidly speeding His way. He would have heard His quiet pleas to have the coming pain and suffering removed from His path. He would also have heard His quiet surrender, the Son’s acceptance of the Father’s will over His own as He whispered the acquiescing words, “Not what I wish, but what You want.” If Peter had stayed awake, he wouldn’t have been snoring when Jesus came back to check on them. He wouldn’t have had to be wakened with the rhetorical question, “Are you sleeping?” (Matthew 26:39-40; Luke 22:39-46; Mark 14:33-38)
Peter was, indeed, sleeping, embarrassing as it was. Sitting comfortably on the ground, his racing thoughts hadn’t kept him awake as he believed they would. He dozed off. He shouldn’t have. He knew better. Not just because Jesus had told Him to stay awake, either. Peter should have stayed awake because He knew from experience Jesus never said anything that didn’t have meaning. He didn’t waste words. He didn’t play pranks. Everything He said was a lesson, a warning, an instruction. Peter knew that. The command wasn’t selfishly given. Jesus didn’t tell him to stay awake simply to torment him or rob him of rest. No. Jesus told him to stay awake because He knew what was coming. For Himself. For Peter. Jesus knew Peter needed to stay awake and pray because he was on the brink of an enormous temptation. A temptation he would never be able to resist if he wasn’t strengthened by prayer. In a very short time, Peter would face the overwhelming temptation to deny knowing Jesus. Perhaps there was a possibility of resisting. If only he had stayed awake to pray.
Now, standing in the courtyard outside the place the arresting mob had taken Jesus, attempting to hide in plain sight, Peter recalled the third and final time Jesus woke him from slumber. It had been too late then. The time to spend in solitude and prayer, beseeching God to deliver him from temptation was past. The predicted events were occurring. Wiping sleep from his eyes, he stumbled to his feet only to hear the thud of approaching footsteps. It sounded like an army. Everyone who was anyone was there. Chief priests. Scribes. Elders. Soldiers armed with swords and spears. And Judas, the betrayer, proudly leading the charge. Anger surged through Peter’s veins as Judas stepped forward to exchange words with Jesus and mockingly kiss his cheek. Shock slammed through Peter as he realized everything was happening just as Jesus said it would. Panic rocked him as he realized he was next. In the line of events Jesus said would occur, Peter’s denial was next. Before the rooster announced the dawn, Peter would deny His Lord. Not once. Not twice. Three times. (Matthew 26:44-50; Luke 22:47-53; John 18:1-9; Mark 14:43-49)
One wonders if, in the moments of introspection before the servant girl first recognized him, Peter wished he would have stayed awake in the Garden of Gethsemane. As he stood there wondering what would happen next, did he wish he had taken Jesus’ words to heart and stayed awake to pray? As the battle raged within him whether to admit his identity or cave to his humanity, did Peter finally understand that staying awake to pray would serve him much better than the sleep ever had? As he vigorously denied the accusations over and over again, did Peter finally realize why Jesus hadn’t rested His body to recharge his strength for this ordeal, but rather prayed to recharge His soul? Or did the necessity of staying awake to pray only set in after the rooster crowed and Peter found himself alone, prostrate in penitence and tears? What might be different if Peter had stayed awake to pray? (Matthew 26:69-75; Luke 22:54-62; Mark 14:66-72; John 18:15-18, 25-26)
It seems that is where Peter’s denial began, his inability to stay awake and pray. His lack of interest in arming himself with the spiritual fortitude to withstand temptation. It seems the account would read so much differently had he simply heeded Jesus’ warning and stayed awake to pray. Had he done so, perhaps he’d have answered the servant girl honestly. Had he recharged his soul in prayer instead of his eyes in sleep, maybe he would have had the courage to own the truth when she outed him as Jesus’ follower to a group around him. Had Peter chosen to center his heart and soul in communion with the Father, perhaps he wouldn’t have had to vehemently swear the charge wasn’t true. Maybe, had Peter stayed awake to pray, he would have resisted the temptation to deny Jesus and cheated the rooster of his triumphant crow.
You see, friends, your betrayals and denials of Jesus never begin in your place of prayer. They can’t. There is no space for them there. When you are on your knees, pacing your floor, driving down the road, communing with God, and recharging your soul, temptation flees. The evil one knows he can’t win in those moments. So he loiters. Patiently. Waiting for the moments of sadness, suffering, and silence. The times when your heart is troubled, your soul is burdened, your mind is a blur of barely processed information. Then he strikes. He whispers things to you that seem completely believable. Fear becomes your reality. Anxiety becomes your daily bread. You will be tempted to go off course, chart your own path, make decisions not sanctioned by God that have no possibility of ending in your good. Without the top cover of a prayed-up soul, the evil one will quickly lead you out on a spiritual ledge and encourage you to jump. If you have allowed your soul to sleep rather than pray, you’ll do whatever he suggests in that moment. Just like Peter. You will rely on your own wits and abilities to rescue you from your troubles rather than being true and trusting God to make your life beautiful in His own way and time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11; I Peter 5:8; Luke 18:1-8; Romans 8:28)
It doesn’t have to be that way. Not for you and me. We can learn from Peter’s mistakes. We can read the directions of Jesus and arm our souls against temptation. That was the whole point of Him telling them to stay awake and pray. Temptation was coming. He knew it even if they didn’t. And it wasn’t just coming for Peter. Their world would soon be flooded with choices they would be tempted to make poorly. Their desire for self-preservation would come to the fore. Fear would make them run and hide. Anxiety would keep them locked in darkened houses, hoping to somehow survive the surging tide of persecution. That wasn’t what Jesus wanted. He wanted them to be bold and strong. He wanted them to share the gospel. He wanted them to go out and boldly, loudly, without reticence or hesitation tell the world about His life. His death. His resurrection. Their fear would tempt them to stay hidden away. Only through prayer would they find the strength to bravely move forward with the task Jesus charged them to do. The same is true for you. (Matthew 28:19-20)
Through the chaos and uncertainty of life, God is still calling you to pray. Why? Because temptation is coming. Maybe it is already there, surrounding you, bombarding your soul, taunting your mind, troubling your heart. Maybe fear and anxiety have you in a chokehold. Your faith is flagging. Your hope is sinking. Your trust in the faithfulness and promises of God is all but gone. You are exhausted. Mind. Body. Soul. Every part of you cries out for sleep and its momentary relief from the breath-sucking conflict around you. Into the cacophony of voices offering suggestions and temptations to ease your worries and better your situation, I hope you still your soul enough to hear the words of Jesus echoing from Gethsemane, “Stay awake and pray.” I hope you do it. Before you rest your tired eyes, I hope you bring your weary soul to the throne of grace and pray for rejuvenation. Ask for strength to stand against temptation. Ask for wisdom to navigate your circumstances. Ask for grace to endure difficulties and struggles and hardships with courage. Ask for the peace of God to fill your heart and mind through Christ Jesus. Ask Him to keep His promises. Then fall asleep resting in Him, knowing He will keep His word. Because He will. If you stay awake and pray. (John 14:1; I Corinthians 10:13; James 1:5; II Corinthians 1:20; 12:7-9; II Timothy 2:1; Philippians 4:6-7)