As the sun set on yet another uneventful day, he lowered his head and braced himself for the flood of oncoming emotions. Disappointment. Discouragement. Disbelief. Doubt. He knew them well. For seven days he had lived with them. They dogged his steps. Filled his mind. Tortured his heart. Disappointment haunted his memory. Discouragement posed uncomfortable questions. Disbelief ricocheted through him. Doubt whispered plausible, yet erroneous, suggestions in his ear. Overcome by feelings of rejection, fear, and uncertainty, Thomas scrubbed his face with his hands and hoped perhaps tomorrow would be better. Maybe day eight would be the one. Maybe it held the moment Jesus would visit him. (John 20:26)
He hadn’t intentionally been out roaming the streets the last time Jesus had come. Who would be? With soldiers and Jewish leaders on the prowl, Jesus’ followers weren’t out boldly announcing their religious stance. They were scared. They were hiding. They were keeping the lights dim and their voices low. Not one of them wanted to draw attention to the group gathered behind closed and bolted doors. They didn’t want to draw attention to themselves in public, either. One by one they went out to conduct only the most imperative business. Furtively peeking around corners. Carefully listening to conversations. Always alert to possible danger. It was perilous business. It seemed their lives were at stake. As much as they wanted to spread the good news of Jesus, it was too dangerous. So they stayed secured indoors. Shrouded in darkness. Hemmed in by silence. Just like Jesus in the tomb.
Thoughts of Jesus’ lying in that cold, dark, silent tomb, guarded by soldiers broke Thomas’ heart. The whole story did. He hadn’t witnessed it, only John had been there, but Thomas had certainly heard the accounts. Some gleefully told. Some quietly reported through torrents of tears. He couldn’t imagine the fear, the horror, the pain. The finality. Thomas hadn’t witnessed the empty tomb, either. Peter and John were the ones who had raced there, looking for truth in the words Mary Magdalene spoke. She had been correct. Jesus wasn’t there. The stone was gone. The linens were folded. The tomb was empty. Jesus was missing. Until He walked through a locked door to visit His terrified disciples. But Thomas missed that event, too. He was the only one not present. Every other one of the remaining eleven were there. They all saw Him. Everyone except Thomas. (John 20:1-23)
Ducking out of their hiding place for a few necessities, Thomas had been gone only a short time. Slipping through the door and slamming the bolt in place, he let out a sigh of relief and turned to face the room. What he saw had his eyes bugging out in surprise. The room was in a hushed hubbub. Obviously excited. Faces radiant. Joyful tears on cheeks. Whispered words of awed praise sounded across the room. He had clearly missed something. He had no idea what. Until one of the other men spoke, his words hitting Thomas like a punch to the gut. The women were right. Jesus was risen. The men were certain now, too. In Thomas’ absence, “Jesus was here!” (John 20:24-25)
What?!?! In the short time he had been gone, Jesus came? In the flesh? Disappointment fell heavily over Thomas heart. Tears filled his eyes. Not ones of rejoicing. Tears of sadness. Tears of disappointment. Tears of grief. He had missed Him. Missed seeing Jesus. And who knew if He was going to appear again? Who knew where? Who knew when? The possibility that Jesus wasn’t going to physically appear to them again was very real. Thomas knew that. Responding from a place of emotional pain and disappointment, Thomas vowed he wouldn’t believe. Not that Jesus had risen. Not that He was alive. Not that He had visited anyone. Not unless he saw Him with his very own eyes. Not unless his own finger could trace the nail scars in Jesus’ hands. Not unless Thomas could put his own hand in the wound on His side. (John 20:25)
Thomas’ rash words saddled him with the modern day moniker of “Doubting Thomas.” An odd occurrence as it seems to be the only record of him showing any form of doubt. He didn’t voice doubt that Jesus could feed the multitude. He didn’t express dubiosity over Jesus’ ability to heal the sick or give sight to the blind. He wasn’t the guy testing Jesus to see if it was really Him walking on the water toward them. But Thomas was a realist. He believed what he saw. He saw Jesus doing good and loving sinners. So Thomas believed God was love. He watched Jesus heal and help and deliver people from sickness, situations, and savagery beyond their control. So he believed God was all-powerful. He experienced Jesus appearing beside them when He hadn’t travelled with them. So he believed God was transcendent. But Thomas hadn’t watched Jesus die on the cross, visited the empty tomb, or been present when Jesus visited the disciples. It had all been hearsay. He hadn’t experienced it. But he had experienced the flood of emotions that went with not witnessing those things. Guilt. Worry. Uncertainty. Fear. (John 6:1-14; 9:1-9; Luke 17:11-19; Matthew 14:29-32; Mark 5:1-20)
Having fled the scene of Jesus’ betrayal to save his own neck, Thomas knew guilt. Was wracked with it. He wished he had done something different. Stayed and fought. Stood his ground. Anything to save himself the guilt of running away. He’d acted out of fear. Terror, really. It had been the scariest moment of his life. It was why he ran, why he didn’t follow Jesus the way he’d sworn to do. It was likely the underlying motivation behind his unbelief now. Those ridiculous words of refusal were the result of ricocheting fear ping-ponging around his mind, planting unfounded thoughts and ideas. Like maybe Jesus purposely visited when Thomas was out. Maybe Jesus didn’t want to see him. Maybe he wasn’t as important as everyone else. Maybe Jesus didn’t love him after all. Springboarding from those ideas, fear then suggested his rejection. God had weighed Thomas in the balance, found him less than desirable, and ordered Jesus to cut him off without a word. The thought was enough to fill Thomas with uncertainty. About where he stood with God. Who he was to Jesus. What he was called to do. Who was Thomas if, after devoting 3 years of his life to following and serving Jesus, he was suddenly cut off without warning?
We will never know, because he wasn’t. Eight days after Jesus appeared to the other disciples, He stopped in again to visit Thomas. Especially Thomas. Perhaps only Thomas. Holding out His palms and baring His side, Jesus invited Thomas to do whatever it took to throw caution to the wind and place his faith in the resurrected Lord. Look with his eyes. Touch with his hands. Grab the tiny vestiges of his tattered faith and believe. For time. For eternity. Believe that the tomb was empty. Believe that Jesus had risen. Believe that his Lord and his God who once was dead was now alive. Believe that he could live every day of the rest of his life in the reality of a resurrected Redeemer. When the heavens were silent, when things went badly, when answers weren’t available, when he couldn’t see the next step in front of him, all Thomas needed was to choose to have faith in God. And he did. (John 20:26-29)
I don’t know what corner you are crouching in right now, disappointed, scared, on the brink of despair, and sinking in doubt. I don’t know what answer you are waiting on or how low your level of faith has become. I don’t know which one of fear’s random thoughts has gripped your mind and choked your soul. I do know this. They aren’t true. None of them. You are loved. You are forgiven. You are wanted. There is a place for you at God’s table and a job for you in His kingdom. Waiting on your answer for eight days, eight weeks, eight months, or eight years, is not indicative of God’s delight in you. He rejoices over you with singing! Beautiful singing. Perfect pitch singing. Music that delights the ear and warms the soul type of singing. Even if you messed up like Thomas. Even if your fear triumphed over your faith for a minute. Don’t give up. Don’t count yourself out. Don’t decide you are unworthy. Choose to believe your answer is coming. An answer just for you. The right answer. Just for your need. It will come. At just the right time. It will arrive. Special delivery. By the nail scarred hands of the resurrected Savior. Wait for it. Choose faith in God. Even when it is hard. Even when it takes time. Even if you don’t see Him working. Believe in Him. Rest in His love. Trust in His power. Make your home in the words of your resurrected Lord, “Blessedly happy, beautifully favored, abundantly satisfied are those who choose to believe in My power and rest in My presence, even though we have never physically met.” (John 8:44; 14:1; 20:29; II Timothy 1:7; Mark 11:22; II Corinthians 5:7; Zepheniah 3:17; Ecclesiastes 3:11; Isaiah 55:8-9; Psalm 34:15; Romans 8:25; I Peter 1:8-9)